What I wrote: Draco kissed back slowly, wondering if Harry could sense on his lips what was already rooted too deeply within him for words.
What Franzi said: Urk. PurpleProsometer off the cheese scale! "Rooted too deeply within him"? Perhaps I could interest you in a can of Mrs. Simpson's All Purpose Detritefier? I know it's hard to write about things that the character specifically can't explain in words, but try a bit more. I'd only go for the 'rooted' thing if you A. want love to sound like a poisonous fungus and B. are going for a plant metaphor. Granted, you had that plant at the beginning, so plant metaphors would not be out of place, but I haven't seen you going anywhere with that before, so I wouldn't start now. Oh, and avoid pretty much anything I do in my commentary like run-on sentences etc. *grin*
Oh, and this from slightlights just cracked me up to no end: Am having a little less sympathy for Draco here; am thinking, 'woe, woe, teenage woe, woe, woe, because it's all about you because you're in LO...WANT, isn't it, and never mind your mother or anyone else but sex.'
The following is a note on NA, no longer cut specifically for Stacey, because she is a *insert insult of your choice here* who has finally gone on her merry way and left us all alone to t00b as we please:
I no longer love Madame Hooch, as she has completely lost my respect by shagging Snape (though I still think it might have been Sinistra, while Hooch watched). I still roll my eyes at Remus & Sirius' rampant bouts of PDA, while today my favorite person is crabbe. Hurrah!!! Someone finally saw fit to redeem Millicent! I always did like Millicent. (I really want to write a fic someday where I pair her up with Parvati, whom I also really like.) It was so nice to read Crabbe's rather sweet account of her and the ball, and of a couple who had a relatively uneventful time. I personally found their date the most charming of the evening. And I will cry if anybody calls Millicent ugly. That said, Ron and Herm really *are* cute.
Right. Back to writing.