Aja: WHY AREN'T THERE TEN MILLION FICS LIKE THIS :(
Cathy: GO REQUEST IT ON THE KINK MEME
Aja: "my kink is arthur being jealous of everyone eames is nice to while being an ass to eames himself"
Cathy: arthur is just a mess of I WANT HIM TO BE NICE TO ME
Cathy: and HE'S NEVER NICE TO ME
Cathy: and HE'S NICE TO EVERYONE >:E
Cathy: ariadne is like "ohmygod pick one"
Aja: and eames only ever calls Arthur "darling," but does this tip him off, NO!
Cathy: a;sfdja;s "HE IS JUST DOING IT TO MAKE FUN OF ME! BUT I WANT HIM TO BE NICE TO ME! BUT HE IS NICE TO EVERYONE SO IF HE IS NICE TO ME IT DOESN'T MEAN HE IS NICE TO ME" :(
Cathy: "SO I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE NICE TO ME" >:E
Aja: Eames finally kisses him, with tongue
Aja: Arthur's just like GOD WILL THE INSULTS NEVER END
Cathy: robert is like trying to give arthur tips on how to date ariadne and ariadne is like NO ROBERT, PAY ATTENTION, THIS IS NOT THE PROBLEM
Cathy: robert is just like ????
Aja: meanwhile Eames is like, OFF TO MOMBASA BY HIMSELF and arthur misses him :(
Cathy: and ariadne is like GREAT, NOW HE WILL NEVER BE NICE TO YOU >:E
Cathy: and arthur is like ._.
Aja: and then he's like I THINK I REALLY SCREWED THIS ONE UP THIS TIME, ARIADNE, AND ARIADNE'S LIKE DO YOU HAVE TO BRING IT UP EVERY DAY :D
Cathy: robert starts like trying to patch things up between ariadne and arthur and yusuf is like DUDE NO
Aja: POOR ROBERT
Aja: HE JUST WANTS TO HELP
Aja: SO HE CALLS EAMES
Cathy: this is the best fic ever that we have never written
Aja: <3 this is because you hate things that are beautiful
Cathy: no i love robert :D his confusion is beautiful
Aja: He's all, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ARTHUR AND ARIADNE AREN'T DATING AND HE KEEPS POUTING AT HER BUT SHE KEEPS TELLING ME I'M MISUNDERSTANDING AND WHAT IS GOING ON????"
Cathy: a;djsf;alskdjf;alskdjf;aklsjd "I JUST WANT THEM TO GET ALONG!"
Cathy: eames is like WHAT SLOW DOWN
Aja: and robert's like I THINK ARTHUR'S HEARTBROKEN IDK WHAT TO DO :(
Cathy: a;sdlkfja;skfdj eames starts sending arthur emails on how to date girls a;dlfkj
Cathy: arthur is like >:E >:E >:E
Cathy: yusuf and ariadne from the sidelines are like ._.
Cathy: yusuf is always like I THINK I SHOULD TELL EAMES-- and ariadne is like NO IF YOU DO THEN ARTHUR WILL NEVER LEARN
Cathy: AND THREE MONTHS LATER THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN
Aja: THREE MONTHS LATER, NOTHING HAS CHANGED
Aja: eames gets pissed and stops trying to sext arthur
Cathy: arthur is convinced this means EAMES WILL NEVER BE NICE TO HIM
Cathy: asfd;lk out of frustration he and Cobb do a lot of dream training
Cathy: cobb is like I'm glad you're so enthused but ???
Cathy: eames is like >:E
Aja: poor eames :(
Cathy: a;sdlfkj i also love the idea that like the epilogue will be robert smacking his hand against the table going I GET IT NOW
Cathy: and like he still gets it wrong
Aja: "YOU WANTED TO HOUSESIT FOR EAMES WHILE HE WAS AWAY AND YOU'RE ANGRY HE DIDN'T ASK!"
Cathy: and everyone is like . . . .
Aja: eventually eames comes back from mombasa looking really tanned and fit and like he's just had LOTS OF FUN and everything is fine even though really eames probably gambled all his money away and had to go into rehab or something
Aja: and arthur is like >:E at him
Cathy: omg he's like fakely cavalier to arthur :(
Aja: of course he is :(
Cathy: arthur is like OMG I'VE RUINED IT
Cathy: BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER NICE TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
Aja: then the first time eames accidentally calls him darling without meaning to there's like this awkward moment
Cathy: a;sldfkj this is when cobb finally gets it and does something like super heavy handed and awkward
Aja: like ACCIDENTALLY LOCKING THEM TOGETHER IN A DREAM FOR AN HOUR
Cathy: ariadne is like on the outside staring at cobb in mute horror
Cathy: asfd; eames is finally like ARTHUR WHAT DO YOU WANT and arthur is just like I JUST WANT YOU TO BE NICE TO ME :|
Cathy: and eames is like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Aja: eames is like ...
Cathy: he tells arthur he doesn't want to be nice to him, he wants to be a boyfriend to him
Cathy: and arthur is like THAT'S WHAT I THOU-- wiat.
Cathy: eames is all .......
Cathy: arthur is all ......
Cathy: it's really awkward
Cathy: thankfully they both wake up
Aja: and then never mention it again, like don't speak to each other for a week
Cathy: cobb is like :D :D :D
Cathy: ariadne is like SEE I TOLD YOU IT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA
Cathy: ohmygod then arthur gets sloshed :( and shows up at eames' door!! and is all LOOK (but slurring)
Cathy: IF YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL BE NICE TO ME
Cathy: and eames is like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
Cathy: and arthur is like I JUST-- WILL YOU STOP BEING SO NICE TO EVERYBODY
Cathy: and eames is like I'M NOT NICE TO OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY I'M NICE TO YOU :(
Aja: AND ALSO, ARE YOU SIX?
Cathy: Arthur is all like NO >:E
Cathy: and then vomits.
Aja: and eames is like >:( but takes him inside and cleans him up anyway and then LETS ARTHUR SLEEP IN HIS BED WHILE HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH and then makes him coffee and runny eggs in the morning :(
Cathy: arthur has a terrible headache :( such a bad headache!! he is never going to drink again :(
Aja: also he can't remember what he said to eames the night before but IT MUST HAVE REALLY BEEN BAD BECAUSE EAMES WOULD RATHER SLEEP ON HIS OWN COUCH THAN SHARE THE BED WITH ARTHUR BECAUSE EAMES IS ALWAYS SO MEAN >:(
Cathy: i still love the idea of robert like
Cathy: sincerely believing at this end of this
Cathy: that they are upset about house sitting
Aja: he's like YOU GUYS, YOU CAN'T STILL BE UPSET ABOUT THE HOUSE-SITTING THING. REALLY?
Aja: they have no idea what he's talking about but they just go with it
Cathy: the team starts using "housesitting" as a euphemism which makes robert even more confused
Aja: like, "arthur, will you stop thinking about waxing eames' linoleum and focus on the job"
Cathy: arthur is all I WOULD NEVER-- robert is convinced arthur is allergic to linoleum
Cathy: eames tries to make awkward jokes at robert to get him to understand
Cathy: arthur just >:E's at him
Cathy: robert tries to use the euphemism and it ends really poorly
Cathy: he's all like "OH WELL COBB LOVES TO VACUUM SAITO'S CARPET."
Cathy: saito and cobb stare at him dumbly
Aja: finally eames snaps and is like, "look, arthur's being ridiculous because he thinks i only want to love him and leave him like all the rest, okay?"
Cathy: arthur is like THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL-- YOU"RE NOT-- THAT'S NOT-- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND >:E
Aja: and robert's like, blankly at eames, "oh my god, how many housesitters have you had?"
Cathy: a;dfkj eames is like very deadpan and says "housesitting is a very serious business with Arthur"
Cathy: Arthur is like FINE. MAKE ME A JOKE. THAT"S JUST SO LIKE YOU, EAMES.
Aja: and eames is like :| at him
Aja: and arthur's like UGH and goes away
Cathy: ariadne is like ROBERT I THINK WE SHOULD TALK. robert is like :0
Cathy: The Misinformation of Robert Fischer (By Housesitting Corporate Espionagers)
Aja: meanwhile yusuf's like started a betting pool over whether arthur and eames will ever become "roommates"
Cathy: cobb is like :| this really isn't funny and yusuf is like IT WILL BE TO YOU AFTER FIVE MONTHS
Aja: after three weeks cobb puts in a hundred bucks
Aja: THEN EAMES GETS DRUNK AND SHOWS UP AT ARTHUR'S PLACE :(
Aja: AND IS LIKE, NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU WANT :(
Cathy: arthur is like very controlled and matter of fact
Cathy: and is all like nothing! i don't want anything from you!
Cathy: and eames is like THAT IS A LIE >:(
Cathy: eames is all, it's not fair if you don't want anything from me and then get angry when i just-- when i just joke with robert-- and it doesn't even mean anything with robert-- and when i try to make that joke with you, you just think i'm teasing you-- and i really mean it--
Cathy: and then arthur is like D: COME INSIDE WE CAN'T HAVE THIS CONVERSATION OUTSIDE IN PUBLIC
Aja: ALSO EAMES YOU ARE DRUNK AND YOU SOUND REALLY CRAZY
Cathy: and eames is like I LIKE YOUR LINOLEUM MORE THAN I LIKE ROBERT'S
Cathy: arthur is like "I don't have linoleum...." and eames is like OHMYGOD
Aja: and then he backs arthur against the wall and kisses him sloppily!
Cathy: awwww :(
Cathy: arthur has no idea that eames likes his linoleum :((
Aja: and arthur is like WHAT NO WHAT IS THIS
Cathy: I JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS
Cathy: and eames is like what
Cathy: and arthur is like NO I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY
Cathy: I MEAN-- I MEAN I'M NOT REJECTING YOU-- WELL I AM BUT--
Aja: CAN WE BE FRIENDS FIRST :( I DON'T HAVE ANY :(
Cathy: eames is like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Aja: eames is like WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN FRIENDS, YOU ASS
Cathy: arthur is like NO, YOU'RE NEVER NICE TO ME
Cathy: eames is like OHMYGOD IF YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO VOMIT ON YOU
Aja: ALSO I TAKE IT BACK, I DON'T WANT TO KISS YOU ANYMORE
Aja: I ONLY KISS SANE PEOPLE!
Cathy: OTHERWISE THEY CAN"T GIVE CONSENT!
Cathy: arthur is like :o! :o!
Aja: and then eames immediately backtracks and is like, oh. oh, no, arthur, darling, i'll kiss you if you really want me to :(
Cathy: arthur is like NO I DIDN'T MEAN I WANTED YOU TO KISS ME, I JUST
Cathy: arthur stops short and is like,
Cathy: very suddenly
Cathy: as if realizing it to himself
Cathy: I don't know what i want
Cathy: and eames is like GOOD BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT EITHER
Cathy: meanwhile in a pizza place somewhere Robert is going, OH SO WHEN YOU SAID LINOLEUM YOU REALLY MEAN PENI-- and ariadne has to clap her hand over his mouth
Aja: and eames winds up sleeping on arthur's couch <3
Cathy: awwww :(
Cathy: but first he's like BUT WHEN YOU DO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT I'LL BE HERE. :(
Aja: :( YES :( because of course he will :(
Cathy: and then arthur is like "or in mombasa."
Cathy: and eames is like DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING >:E
Cathy: but of course he does
Cathy: then he makes up the couch for eames :( and gives him a glass of water
Cathy: and then goes back to bed :(
Aja: and then yells at himself for a while for not knowing what he wants :(
Cathy: :( :( :(
Cathy: yessss :( :( :(
Cathy: and when they all meet up next he and ariadne have like this whispered conversation about it
Cathy: and ariadne kises him on the cheek and tells him to take it slow
Cathy: and eames is like HEY
Aja: and Arthur's like, WHAT? YOU SAID I COULD HAVE TIME!
Aja: and Eames is like I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD HAVE LOTS OF CANOODLING
Cathy: arthur is like THIS HARDLY COUNTS AS CANOODLING--
Aja: and robert's like, "OOH, OOH, THIS IS ABOUT THE LINOLEUM!"
Cathy: cobb is like "what linoleum"
Cathy: saito is like "I prefer marble myself."
Cathy: and robert is like, very smug, when he says "No, Ariadne told me you like carpets."
Aja: Saito is like, "i'm omni-fabric" and beams at robert's confusion
Cathy: and yusuf makes 500 bucks
Cathy: because he's always right
THE END (until it all starts over in three months)
(sighhhh at what point do i need an inception tag)
eta: The Further Education of Robert Fischer (By Corporate Espionagers With Good Taste) !!!!!!!!!! (I would beg someone to put an end to our madness, but I'd be lying.)