so this is an open letter to the person i met at a fan convention in october, to whom i apparently made a terrible impression and came off as an arrogant ass.
i'm sorry that i made you uncomfortable and appeared to dismiss your opinion. i saw you sitting near us and i wanted to talk to you. i enjoyed our conversation, and i remember agreeing with you several times. i liked a lot of the points you made, and i brought up some of them up at the panel i was on later.
the reason you didn't see me taking notes that entire weekend was because i was there as a fan first. i had just spent six weeks in a row visiting cons as a reporter, and i really wanted a break. i wanted to hang out with a bunch of other slashers in a small con, and just have fun. yes, i was there as a reporter, and i did sit on a panel as a reporter, and i did write an article about one of the subjects that came up while i was there; but i felt it would be rude and intrusive of me to go around such a small con with my notepad out. that doesn't mean that i wasn't paying attention.
the rest of my behavior--i don't know what else you saw me do or say that left you with such a negative impression, but i was having severe allergies and eye problems all weekend long and spent much of it afraid that i looked like a junkie in withdrawal. For that reason alone I was very uncomfortable and nervous. I didn't know very many people there, and most of them were in fandoms i wasn't in, so i was shy and awkward and afraid of accidentally pissing off someone by confessing that i wasn't actually in *any* of the three main fandoms that most of the fans there were in.
And I was afraid the whole time, as i always am at conventions, that at any moment someone might be looking at me without knowing anything about me, and judging me, keeping a tally of wrongs so that they could write up a litany of how awful i was on an anon meme a few months later. It's happened before; it will probably happen again.
if you've never been in that kind of social situation among strangers, be grateful, because it's not fun. and what's even worse is having your overtures of kindness flung back in your face as being insincere. i wanted to talk to you because you looked nice. and i'm sorry if i came across as condescending or arrogant or anything else.
i hope that the next time we meet, if we meet, we will be able to have a much different, much friendlier conversation.
For everyone i have met at that con in october, and others during the last six months, and over all the many years: thank you all for being so lovely to me, even though i may have been awkward or looked like a red-eyed heroin addict and probably always acted as out of place as i felt. i'm proud to share any corner of fandom with any and all of you. <3