January 10th, 2002

dang yo this updating thing is kinda cool.

I know now why it's so easy to just write random notes on live journal accounts all the time that monopolize all the space on your friends' pages. this easy-access window pops right up and all your journaling problems are solved. *laughs wildly* I sound like an infomercial.

The point being that I just got off the phone with Shadow. I love talking to that girl, even though half the time I think we're trying to convince each other how much we love each other and our creative endeavours. She's got the up on me for an indefinite time now because she's not only sending me the HARD COPY feedback for the first chapters of Love Under Will but she just completely...(can't hug this hard enough) *changed* the entire ending of COV in order to satisfy my need to have Moby and Sata reunited at the end. Not *only* did she reunite them but she did it SO beautifully, so that basically *EVERYONE* who was parted through adverse means beyond their control from the person they loved with all their heart and soul is reunited with their lover one more time, permanently. It's so ...beautiful is the only word I have for it. That's possibly because i'm listening to a simply beautiful song by the Tea Party right now, possibly because i'm sitting here being wistful over the Initial, possibly because I'm enthralled with having heard from her own lips that she redid the entire conceptual ending of her massive epic saga just to make me happy...*sigh*... that's almost karmic payback.

Why did I so passionately yell and kick and scream for Moby and Sata to end up together and not remain incontrovertibly parted by Fate? Because, as I tried so hard to believe so many nights last year, somewhere, in a perfect universe, there *has* to exist a world in which R chooses *me* and we have happiness, and fate doesn't fuck us over with sickness and separation; a world in which, even in fiction, Sata doesn't leave Moby with so many unanswered questions and such unresolved love in both of their souls.
Why am I getting cryptic? That also has to do with Tea Party music (which always reminds me of R)-- and with the fact that I'm suddenly feeling alive again after days of hiding in my apartment trying to ignore my life for no other reason than the sheer joy of escapism. Now I feel like I'm ready to get this show on the road. There's something very beautiful about an acquaintance with life that lets you zone out, bottom out, fade out, and just *exist* for a time knowing that whenever and wherever you pick it up again, will be just fine. There's something very sweet about being in that situation--with family and friends and pursuits that allow that kind of freedom. Writing LUW has given me an awareness that happiness doesn't come with guarantees of security. It begins to sink in that as long as I'm working on something that fulfills me as much as this silly, stupid little fanfic (which has grown to mean more to me than I could ever know), I could go on just as I am and be perfectly happy. Well...almost...

okay--my shift key just got inexplicably stuck and is fucking up my writing so much at the moment that i"m leaving this now to figure out what the furk just happened here.... i was gonna say something about starting school and stuff but now i.m just like--dude--shift key....why won"t you work???

*puzzled* but not overly frustrated....

Dude! okay, whew

.....okay, the shift key is working properly now. Just wanted to say a couple of things:

1) Chapter 11 of Irresistible Poison appeared yesterday. I love/hate you, Rhysenn.
2) Tea Party is so good. Check out "Shadows on the Mountainside" and then the one song about the Hills or, yeah.
3) I need to write RQ. I haven't done that in forever.
4) oh, oh, yeah. The SF dream Angela refers to: so funny. She has these really visceral (ooh, new fave word! yay visceral!) dreams that work on so many symbolic levels, and, yeah, basically she had a freaky-weird-ass dream about the RQ and R and me and SF and probably some more initials that I'm leaving out. But the point being she told me and I was kinda blown away. And speaking of getting blown,
5) I can't believe my feedback to Veronica's donut was 20 pages long. :) And that she's still speaking to me now. "I loooove youuuu!" *grins*
6) Dude. I'm hungry. I want Steak and Shake. Like, NOW.
7) It is so hard to feel bad about life when you have a happy kitten at your disposal.
8) I gotta go back to school though, for real, next week. *sticks out tongue at school*
9) I'm ending this on nine because it's my lucky number, and with my favorite line from Chapter 11 of Love Under Will (which also happens to be my favorite chapter, which probably explains why with all the bittersweetness I wound up dedicating it to the Initial) :

This was the only thing he ever wanted to feel: all of Harry, wrapped around him, heart, mind, soul, and body inescapably conjoined with his, rising and falling within him with every breath he took. He was a door with only one key, and he was being unlocked now: Harry's hand was on the handle and he was thrusting inside, pushing him ajar, opening his heart.

I'm honored to be writing something that touches me this much, even if it is just silly slash.