December 31st, 2007

my modus operandi is amalgam.

Today I bought this shirt. This is either totally lame or totally awesome. It's probably a bit of both, just like me.

There was nothing to do at work today; everyone who needs to be there was gone and the rest of us had little to do. I installed 13 Firefox skins on my computer, haha, and kept going back and forth between them. Do I want Black Japan or Pimpzilla. The choices in my life are so difficult.

This morning when my alarm clock went off to the strains of Super Junior, I wondered what day it was and realized with a mild shock that it was in fact the last day of the year. It's weird, normally I at least get a little nostalgic at some point during the holidays; and you'd think since this has been my happiest year in a long time I'd've been more so - but no, I'm just kind of in this mode where I'm thinking, 'well, okay, come on, 2008, let's get on with it.'

Tonight I am ringing in the new year by myself, curled up on the couch with Chinese food, Starbucks ice cream, a stack of dvds, and my laptop. I'm cozy and comfy, and it dawned on me suddenly, as I was driving through the rainy evening earlier listening to Fujiwara Motoo seduce me into a state of nostalgia with his voice, that I am completely content right now. This has been a quiet year, but it's been the most monumental year for me of the 2000s in a lot of ways. This was the year I finally learned to stop looking back. This was the year I finally learned to stop living with one eye over my shoulder and one foot poised to go down some other path. This was the year I finally decided that if I wasn't going to show myself any respect then I'd never be able to ask it from anyone else. This was the year I finally let myself want something. This was the year I finally went out and got what I fucking wanted for myself.

It was also the year I burned a t-shirt and left livejournal forever and came back 3 months later with my tail between my legs, but you know what? Even the act of going "fuck this, I'm out of here" was empowering on a fundamental level for me. I'm not the same person I was when I left. And now I can honestly say that I've done one truly stupid no-holds-barred embarrassing thing on video that I will never live down. Which, I mean. There are plenty of more embarrassing things I could have done on video. Let the lesson of this new year be that we should all count ourselves lucky for that. :D

Here is my year, in fandoms.

January: Collapse )

- February: Collapse )

- March Collapse )

- April: Collapse )

- May: Collapse )

- June: Collapse )

- July: Collapse )

- August - October: Collapse )

- November: Collapse )

- December: when I look back, the thing I will probably remember the most about this month is that I finally finally finally sent rach her Christmas present. And by Christmas present I mean her birthday present. From 2004. I mean. That says so much about me and my life and the direction we are moving, haha.

And we ended the year with:
  • 3 Light/L drabbles and a Tezuryo Bump of Chicken fic. Ahaha.
  • Tedomari, my Hikaru no Go Christmas fic!
  • Yuuuuuuuletide. *_* As always.
  • Bump of Chicken's new album, Orbital Period, which has taken over my soul. The winner of my contest, by the way? dyfferent! Who got herself good karma by pimping other banjo-loving musicians Shearwater, right here. :D


    Last year, during the holidays, I thanked you guys for your grace, in allowing me to be myself and allowing me to stumble and fall and work my way through things online and off. Not too long ago, Amy said something to me - that I'd done my growing up on Livejournal. And that's true. I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but I have grown up in front of you guys, and that hasn't been easy or natural sometimes, but it has been, when all is said and done.

    Kara also said something to me that has meant a great deal: that it takes as long as it takes for you to become the person you want to be. And Lissa said something to me that I hope I never forget: she reminded me that an object in motion stays in motion. Ken also said to me once: "inertia is such a powerful force." And I wanted to break away from that force. I wanted to be motion. I wanted to burn bridges. Not really with LJ, I don't think - but with myself.

    It's the end of the year. I have a job that doesn't make me hate myself. I have a space and a town and a life and a body I actually want to live in.

    In 7-10 days I'll have a t-shirt with a pig on it.

    I am content. I am all grown up. I am who I want to be.

    But I'm still not going to stop all-capping at you in font size 7 on your journal.

    Happy new year, everyone. ♥