1) i always always put off writing my articles til the last possible minute and then i write them only under much stress and pressure and complaining and whining and griping and all-nighter-pulling.
2) i always turn around and spam LJ immediately after reaffirming that i am trying to post less, honest!
I don't understand how people regularly read and enjoy multiple fandoms and fics and authors and stuff, and even multiple pairings within a fandom. I guess I understand it to a point. But the thing is that there just is no pairing in a fanfic I want to read in the world more than Harry/Draco. This goes for all fandoms. I've decided that the reason I really like reading a fairly wide variety of PotC and LotR fanfic (and LotRips too) is because I am utterly fascinated with the universes and with the actors in those universes. Reading fanfic there is like sampling a buffet of yummy treats. But in Harry Potter--usually, for me, every feeling revolts. It has to be really really good to get me to read the non-H/D stuff, and I will almost never go in search of it. I just don't want to.
Really what brought this on is looking through the recs pages of some of the PotC authors I've been reading today. You people who read and rec and write for so many fandoms, for such a cross-section--what is it like for you? What kind of impetus does it take to get you into a fandom and reading the fics? It really took me well and truly over a full year to even like the LotR fandom, and another full year plus to really loosen up and enjoy reading the fanfic. Even longer with Lotrips. PotC I dove right into but I still don't feel really "right" about any of the pairings. Certainly not the way I feel the "rightness" of Harry/Draco for me. And while it's nice to read stories in search of that kind of mental click, I can't imagine doing it for more than one or two fandoms at a time.
But that is just me, and I really wonder what it is like to be someone who reads fics in all different kinds of fandoms--or all different kind of pairings in one fandom--at once. What is it that you're looking for? Does it vary from fandom to fandom? And how close do you come to finding it?
Last night as part of movie night we watched Waking Life. I wasn't as fond of it as I expected I would be--I felt all the esoteric psychobabble was a bit too, eh, tiring. But then it was late and I was tired.
What I liked best was the sections that focused on controlling your dreams, lucid dreaming. I knew a guy, Andy Walsh, who used to be able to control his dreams. At night he would decide what he wanted to dream about that night, and then he would go to sleep and he would dream it.
I've never been able to do that. But sometimes in the middle of a really terrible horrible nightmare I have forced myself to leave that place by telling myself, "this is a dream, you don't have to stay here." Usually when I do that I wake up, but sometimes I'm able to just take myself elsewhere and still stay in the dream state.
When the movie was over I went to bed and I thought, "I will dream of Love Under Will."
Instead I had a long and beautiful dream that I was at a party. Everyone was dancing and having a good time. I think that I got this straight out of the movie, when they were all dancing and the dreamer was looking on and walking through the dance floor. That was me, except I met this really cute guy with a puppy-dog grin and tangled straight black hair, and we started dancing. We had a real rapport and I was having a lot of fun and he seemed to really like me. I wanted it to head somewhere romantic, but instead he had to excuse himself for a moment and left me on the dance floor. He said he'd be right back and I believed him.
Only he didn't come back right away. And I was getting antsy on the dance floor by myself, so I began to dance with someone else. I began to dance with a beautiful young woman who was wearing something white and shimmery, and who had beautiful blonde hair. She was so sexy, and I felt about her something completely different than what I felt towards the guy I had been dancing with. The boy had been approachable and fun, and I had felt like maybe I could really like him. The girl was sensuous and mysterious and I wanted to make love to her. Badly.
I don't remember kissing her mouth but I remember touching her in wonderful erotic ways, and when we started to touch, suddenly we weren't dancing anymore--we started to float upwards, up to the sky, and suddenly instead of dancing we were horizontal, fully clothed, and groping. It was never very clear what exactly we were doing, but I distinctly remember not wanting to stop.
Except that when we were high up in the air and floating together, my dance partner returned, and began calling out for me. I turned around excitedly and said "look, there he is, I want to go back to him!" But the girl growled and impatiently told me not to stop--and of course I didn't want to stop.
I remember that there was this sense of great peace and safety as we were floating overhead, and this sort of sense of relief and gladness in knowing that I could return to earth as soon as we were done, the beautiful woman and I.
But there was also an equally intense feeling of relief that the girl and I could just float away and make love to one another, that even though the boy down below had gotten all the dancers and all my family together to look for me on the ground by this point, and even though they were fanning out calling my name and hunting around for me, we could just keep floating away, the two of us, and I could just keep touching her and touching her and....
And then gradually I woke up, from floating, never having finished my business with the beautiful lady, or ever returned to the boy on the ground to find out whether he liked me as much as I liked him.
I have been haunted by that dream all day. It is not as if I have not been confused enough about whether I am bisexual or straight or gay, but it has never been so vividly represented--or represented at all, for that matter, in my dreams before last night. I felt such different things for the dark-haired boy and the blonde-haired girl, and I think that I was drawn to them equally--but it was the girl I was floating away with and the boy who I left on the ground.
I wish that I knew what this meant. I wish that I could honestly figure out my sexuality. Lately I have been thinking that perhaps it is my definition of what is sexual that has been throwing me off: that I have been thinking of it as pure physical reactions when maybe I should be defining it through emotional reactions. Or that maybe what is sexual does not have to be physical or emotional--maybe it is just the twinge of delight you get when you see a girl with a bright new scarf wrapped around her waist, or a boy who is twirling his pen in a certain way. Maybe it is nothing.
I wish I could at least pin it down, because maybe if I could pin it down then I could stop dwelling upon it. More often than not I feel as if I am a lesbian--but then, I also believe that Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico is literally the sexiest thing to ever walk the earth, and I think that if perhaps all guys could walk around in black leather with blood dripping out of their eyesockets that my sexuality would become much more concrete quite quickly.
But perhaps that just makes me strange and disturbed.
Sometimes I really think that what turns me on the most is just desire itself. Not completion, not the satisfaction of knowing, but the blank page of stark yearning. I think that if I were really interested in knowing whether I like girls more than guys then I would not be stuck floating between the two of them in my dreams. Surely that is because I am bisexual though, isn't it?-- Except that in real life, and not on movie screens, guys terrify me, and I want to run away from them and shut myself somewhere where they will not look at me or wink at me or hit on me or flirt with me, because all of that makes me feel cheap and horrible and terrified and nauseous; whereas girls make me want to flip my hair and speak in a lower voice and stare at their breasts openly and seduce.
The biggest thing I think of all of this is, perhaps I am just afraid of being truly loved, by anyone. And that is why I cannot stop thinking about it. I don't want to be afraid of being truly loved. The last person who told me they loved me and wanted to be with me had the privilege of seeing me freak out and essentially stop speaking to them--and to this day I wonder, were all the legitimate reasons I had to act the way I did really why I did? Or was I just afraid that she meant what she said?
And really, even if sexuality were just about sexual responses it wouldn't be any simpler--because then you would be left asking yourself questions like "why does that kind of thing get me off? What does that say about me?" Not that we don't ask ourselves those things anyway. But it is easier when they are blanketed in the knowledge that certain things relate to certain genders and body parts.
Out of all the Pirates of the Caribbean fic that I have ever read, the one that really appealed to me on the most levels at once--mental, physical, visceral, and visual--was one in which the characters weren't together at all, but were alone, and apart, and fantasizing about one another. That has stuck with me because it was so unexpected. Why would that scenario out of all of the possible ways to write a pairing--why would that be the one that would turn me on the most?
Part of me fears that it is what I relate to the most--the experience of desiring as opposed to the experience of having.
That frightens me. It frightens me a lot. And at the same time, there is a tremendous amount of comfort in the knowledge that I can always float away with my fantasy.
I have been re-visiting one of my favorite movies ever lately--The Usual Suspects. And I really want to write Keaton/McManus (Gabriel Byrne's and Stephen Baldwin's characters) drabbles for my new drabble community.
But I fear I lack the talent. Writing for a movie fandom is hard. Especially one where even the canon is non-canonical. I am afraid I would write something hideous, and that everyone would laugh at me.
Also, at the same time, I am realising that much of this LJ entry is about fear, and my key new year's resolution was not to be afraid.
I wonder if talking about all of these things will make me less afraid.
Of course, it could be that I am just babbling about all of these things, not because I want to conquer my fear of them, but because I am afraid to write my interview, which is now due in .... five hours.