There was nothing to do at work today; everyone who needs to be there was gone and the rest of us had little to do. I installed 13 Firefox skins on my computer, haha, and kept going back and forth between them. Do I want Black Japan or Pimpzilla. The choices in my life are so difficult.
This morning when my alarm clock went off to the strains of Super Junior, I wondered what day it was and realized with a mild shock that it was in fact the last day of the year. It's weird, normally I at least get a little nostalgic at some point during the holidays; and you'd think since this has been my happiest year in a long time I'd've been more so - but no, I'm just kind of in this mode where I'm thinking, 'well, okay, come on, 2008, let's get on with it.'
Tonight I am ringing in the new year by myself, curled up on the couch with Chinese food, Starbucks ice cream, a stack of dvds, and my laptop. I'm cozy and comfy, and it dawned on me suddenly, as I was driving through the rainy evening earlier listening to Fujiwara Motoo seduce me into a state of nostalgia with his voice, that I am completely content right now. This has been a quiet year, but it's been the most monumental year for me of the 2000s in a lot of ways. This was the year I finally learned to stop looking back. This was the year I finally learned to stop living with one eye over my shoulder and one foot poised to go down some other path. This was the year I finally decided that if I wasn't going to show myself any respect then I'd never be able to ask it from anyone else. This was the year I finally let myself want something. This was the year I finally went out and got what I fucking wanted for myself.
It was also the year I burned a t-shirt and left livejournal forever and came back 3 months later with my tail between my legs, but you know what? Even the act of going "fuck this, I'm out of here" was empowering on a fundamental level for me. I'm not the same person I was when I left. And now I can honestly say that I've done one truly stupid no-holds-barred embarrassing thing on video that I will never live down. Which, I mean. There are plenty of more embarrassing things I could have done on video. Let the lesson of this new year be that we should all count ourselves lucky for that. :D
Here is my year, in fandoms.
January: January was odd and busy. I sort of fell out of lol_meme because I was too busy to think straight. Tenipuri fandom was making me angsty and antsy, and I sort of ran over to Hikago and went "HOLD ME I LOVE YOU." And it did, for many months. Still is, in fact. ♥
Er, I accidentally made meme hate me so that sort of cooled that relationship for a while. When Tenipuri fandom and canon started making me angst too much I ran to Hikaru no Go for comfort. Oh lovely Hikago fandom. Also tried and failed for the third significant time to become a Naruto fan. Naruto/Sasuke calls to me, Gaara calls to me, and yet, and yet. Still the show continues to bore me on the most fundamental level. Orphne made me a lovely new layout header and it even properly labled Naruto as "cheesehead." It was hilarious and awesome, before she changed it because she decided I didn't deserve to be a Sasuke fangirl. :D I cannot blame her a bit.
- March was the month I discovered my 2 biggest and most unexpected addictions of the year: Bump of Chicken and Death Note.
Shortly after that derogatory made me actually read Death Note; I got to the spoiler and mentally threw my manga across the room, but Light and L continued to completely entrance me. They were so much that I loved in H/D, combined with my well-established penchant for gay serial killers. MMMM. This would come back to haunt me later, thoguh I did not yet know how much. Anyway, Death Note fanart totally became one of my favorite things ever in a very short space. It has the best crack ever.
- April: April was Hikago month. I spent most of the month panicking over Phoenix Rising, and the rest of the month SCREAMING FOR JOY because JIN CAME BACK TO KAT-TUN. But in between, I was all about Hikago:
- May: PHOENIX RISING!!!!!! and the advent of Fanlib (ugh what a condescending name, anyway I digress) and a dark shadow across Middle Earth. But mostly: Phoenix Rising. The best HP conference that has ever happened to me. :D But specifically, I went to Phoenix Rising and stayed on a high from it for weeks. I met Henry Jenkins and the fantastic mimoletnoe, I got to take a tour of the devastated parts of New Orleans, Erica and I hit the pavement and interviewed hurricane victims and city residents about the aftermath of the storm, and there was something about that week that just. You know, I have been meaning to email you, praetorianguard, for the last 9 months, to tell me how much it meant to me. It was incredible. It shifted me towards something. I left LJ in August, but I really feel like I left it behind in May, in New Orleans. And I don't think I'm back. Not the way I was before.
We had too much room service and I bought a squeaking mardis gras necklace with a naked girl with a back penis that was probably really a tail, but still. Amazing. And the conference!!!!! I had the best roommates ever in Erica and Claire and Dana (omg meeting Dana finally, she made me play Bump of Chicken for them, haha). I love you guys and I'm so happy I could be there with you, and ahh I followed Catja and Tilly around all weekeend like a groupie, and I got glomped, and Sister M's Draco talk was amaaaazing, and, and, my slash panel was amazing! and just. everything about it was amazing.
But most especially? New Orleans is amazing. In a nutshell, I came back from New Orleans going, "if this city can find itself again, so can I."
- June: I don't even remember June, honestly, except as one dizzy high blur left over from PR.
- July: all hell breaks loose on Livejournal, and something about this whole fandom experience shifts irrevocably for me and many many others.
And. Oh my god, that really, really, really meant a lot to me.
- August - October: I pretty much ran straight from LJ to....lol_meme. Haha. D: It was a kind of a bittersweet reunion. I love anonymous memes, you know I do, but it's also a sort of act of intentional self-deprecation. I was okay with it, though, because I was also in the process of making up my mind to get the fuck out of my job and into one that actually didn't make me hate myself, and the distraction was well-needed.
Also I think I'm kind of in the serial killer fandom now. I really have a thing for Vlad the Impaler. :(
Actually, I started drabbling while I was on lol_meme and they encouraged me to keep going, so I did, and I loved it!!!!! I loved the experience a lot a lot and I'm really grateful to the meme for giving it to me, and for pushing me to write it, because I've never finished a fic that long or even written a fic that long in 5 years, so it was a fantastic trip to take and I'm so glad I did.
- November: 2 things occupied me in November: creating The Big Bang Forums and finishing my Death Note fic.
- December: when I look back, the thing I will probably remember the most about this month is that I finally finally finally sent rach her Christmas present. And by Christmas present I mean her birthday present. From 2004. I mean. That says so much about me and my life and the direction we are moving, haha.
And we ended the year with:
Last year, during the holidays, I thanked you guys for your grace, in allowing me to be myself and allowing me to stumble and fall and work my way through things online and off. Not too long ago, Amy said something to me - that I'd done my growing up on Livejournal. And that's true. I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but I have grown up in front of you guys, and that hasn't been easy or natural sometimes, but it has been ....safe, when all is said and done.
Kara also said something to me that has meant a great deal: that it takes as long as it takes for you to become the person you want to be. And Lissa said something to me that I hope I never forget: she reminded me that an object in motion stays in motion. Ken also said to me once: "inertia is such a powerful force." And I wanted to break away from that force. I wanted to be motion. I wanted to burn bridges. Not really with LJ, I don't think - but with myself.
It's the end of the year. I have a job that doesn't make me hate myself. I have a space and a town and a life and a body I actually want to live in.
In 7-10 days I'll have a t-shirt with a pig on it.
I am content. I am all grown up. I am who I want to be.
But I'm still not going to stop all-capping at you in font size 7 on your journal.
Happy new year, everyone. ♥