Because of that uncertainty, I spent a long time feeling like we were a second away from slipping out of control, and gradually that feeling translated into the realization that maybe that is exactly how you're supposed to feel when you perform this work: half an inch away from utter confusion and disorder.
Friday night's performance had been smooth and nice and I knew it had gone well. By the end of last night's, I felt wrung out, raw, and used up. Libera me. I had to ask someone else how it had actually sounded because I had no idea.
I've thrown myself heart and soul into experiencing choral music before, because I love it with all my heart and soul - but I've never just thrown myself at a performance like that. I don't think I've ever tried so hard to communicate the message of a piece because the piece demanded that's how it be sung. I hope the audience last night felt that the way I did. I hope they were as wrung out and wrecked afterwards as I was.